Sunday, May 21, 2023

A Pivotal Moment, conclusion

I had trouble falling asleep that night just thinking about the session and what we might see in Freya.  Would she be completely different?  Completely the same?  Somewhere in the middle?  But once I did fall asleep, I slept all the way through the night until morning, which is something that never happens.  Normally I wake up at least twice and then when I wake up, my brain starts going at 100 mph.  So I felt pretty good the next day with the first good night's sleep in a long time.

I had to work a full day so I didn't get out to the barn until well after 5.  Freya was waiting at the run-in shed for me, which wasn't unusual.  Gemma and I typically bring the horses in for dinner every day, but I run late on Fridays because of my work schedule.  Her face was happy and she seemed to feel good when I put the halter on.  As I walked her to her stall, I realized that the muscles on her body were moving differently.  Her lower neck, her shoulders, and her haunches were all...well...jiggling in a way that seemed different.

And after I brought Donut in, I noticed something else.  There is another mare in the field that becomes absolutely inconsolable whenever we bring Freya and Donut in, so we always bring her in too.  Her separation anxiety has been going on for months and had actually been escalating for the past couple of weeks.  And yet, that night, she was happily grazing in the field and didn't seem to even notice that Freya and Donut were gone.  Why would our session have impacted this other mare?  I have absolutely no idea.  The only thing I can think of is that maybe something changed in Freya's energy that changed the way the other mare interacted with her.

As part of the session, Freya had communicated that she needed a couple of days to process what had happened during the session, and Gemma and I actually gave her three days before we did anything other than basic handling and a little brushing.  But Gemma noticed immediately that Freya's body felt different when she brushed it because the muscles didn't seem so hard.

And in case you are wondering if we are imagining it, I have a couple of videos to show you.  One is from a recent ride before the Connection Reading and the other one is a few days after the reading.  Pay close attention to how Freya's shoulder looks in both videos and you should see the difference.

Here is the video pre-Connection Reading:


Here is the video post-Connection Reading:

 

Could something else explain the difference?  I'm sure Rational Me could come up with something.  Perhaps all the body work that I've been doing finally had some kind of exponential effect that coincidentally appeared the day after the session.  But I think it is more likely that the difference is a result of the work we did during the session.  Exactly how, I have no idea.  But I'm learning that there is more to our existence than our five senses.

And another interesting thing is that we noticed Freya was acting like she was in a new place when Gemma took her on the first ride post-Connection Reading.  You'll see she wasn't in Pillar 1 like in the first video because she was alert and looking around.  She wasn't spooky, but she did spend the entire ride struggling a little bit to focus and stopping to look at things, as if she was seeing the farm for the first time, even though she has been living there for almost two years.

But here is the twist.  You may remember that I was really struggling with my grief for Nimo.  It was overwhelming at times.  About two days after the session, I realized that I hadn't been crying or sad since the session.  In fact, when I thought about it, it occurred to me that for the first time in three years, I could think about Nimo without wanting to burst into tears.  I could listen to certain songs on my playlist that normally made me feel very sad, and I didn't feel sad anymore.  And the more I tuned in to how I felt, the more I realized that my chest felt different.  It was like this pressure that had been so constant wasn't there anymore.  (And I'm just going to remind you here that the message I got from Freya was that she needed two days to process the session...what if she didn't mean her, but me?)

And I had a horrible realization.  What if the negative energy that Freya had inside her came from me?  What if it was the grief that I was feeling about losing my connection with Nimo?  It had never, ever occurred to me that my inability to let go of that grief could be causing Freya problems.  I had been so focused on making sure it didn't affect Donut, but I never took the same care with Freya.  In fact, I was doing lots of things with Freya that I used to do with Nimo, and I always felt so uncomfortable doing them.  

The in-hand work was the worst.  Freya would actually have panic attacks when I first started doing in-hand exercises with her.  She was able to do much better after I worked with the classical dressage trainer for a few months, but I still had to be careful about how close I stood or walked next to her or she would get incredibly anxious.

Even under saddle, our progress was fairly limited and never felt quite right.  Gemma seemed to do much better with her most of the time, and I always thought it was because Gemma was less intense about what she was asking.  But what if it was what Freya was sensing inside me?  What if it was the incongruity between the mask I was presenting and the grief I was feeling inside that was making her anxious?

Thankfully Felicity checked in with me about this time and offered an alternative to the darker place that my thoughts were going, which was that while Freya may have been absorbing some of my grief, she had some negative energy that also needed to be released and the session had helped us both.  (Sometimes I forget that everything isn't always all about me - ha, ha!)

Regardless of the specifics of where the negative energy had come from, the reality is that when I tried an in-hand session with her a few days after our session, it was completely different.  There was no anxiety from her.  I even leaned my body completely up against her and applied too much pressure at one point.  She was completely fine.  We weren't necessarily poetry in motion as we were both trying to figure each other out, but our work felt "normal."  Like a person and a horse first working with each other and trying to learn each other's language.  And I even mentally channeled the "mare collective" energy from the Intuitive Experience that Felicity hosted several days ago, and I got a beautiful trot transition that was smooth and not panicked, no whip or clucking required.  Just the mental image.

Over the course of the next few days, I tried a couple more in-hand sessions with Freya.  I even took her outside the round pen, to see what happened in a different location.  We went out to a small field behind the big arena.  She has worked out there before and is reasonably comfortable there but it is wide open instead of the safer confines of the round pen or even the arena.  (And mentally for me too, it feels bit more "risky.")  

And she was great.  She walked out there in-hand and we did a couple of laps around the field in each direction.  I didn't ask for any more collected or slower work from her; we were just walking and testing to make sure we had some steering. (There is this guidance about working with horses:  First, you go with the horse, then the horse goes with you, and then you go together.  My instructor and Jean Luc Cornille both give similar advice when starting in-hand work, which is to first go with the horse and then try changing the tone of your body and experimenting with the way you communicate to see when the horse starts listening to you.  Once the horse is listening, the work can begin.  So my plan was to go with Freya and only give her direction when we needed to make a turn because we didn't have any fences to provide boundaries.)  

As we walked, I got this vision in my head of a beautiful, slow, easy, balanced trot.  (Did that vision come from me or Freya?  Your guess is as good as mine!)  It is, of course, one of the initial goals of the Science of Motion in-hand work to achieve that trot before asking for more advanced movements.  Typically it takes awhile to achieve it, especially because I'm definitely not an expert in the technique.  And I certainly wouldn't attempt it so soon after starting in-hand work because of course Freya would need time to get used to me and the work.  But shortly after the vision came into my head, Freya did it.  I don't even know how to describe it, except to say that once you've felt it, you never want to feel anything else.  It is smooth and fluid and easy and balanced and yet somehow you also feel the essence and power of the horse coming through.  It is not controlled by the reins or generated from a whip, it is because the horse willingly gives it.

So I am on Cloud 9 because of that work.  It is an awesome addition to Freya's rehab process if we can do more of that.  And if feels so good to be working on overcoming something that was hard for both of us.

As I reflect on our Connection Reading, one of the most interesting things to me is that it wasn't focused on healing me, but somehow it did anyway.  Horses are often identified as our mirrors.  And I suspect Freya was doing a damn fine job of mirroring me, but I was too caught up in my own emotions to realize what she was doing.

I remember when I first saw her pictures in the auction listing.  I was drawn to them in a way that I could not explain and that was not like any other horse I looked at.  And I tried valiantly to evaluate other horses, but after looking at over 100 of them, I always came back to her.  Even though she was for Gemma, I couldn't shake the connection I felt to her.  Rational Me justified it by pointing out the training she had and how it was consistent with what I was looking for, but the reality is that several other horses at the auction could have been just as good, and I never seriously considered them.

I have always said that I have been so lucky to have such amazing horses during my life, as if that time of being lucky was over.  But I suspect it isn't.  I suspect that the universe has blessed me with two more special horses, and I feel so grateful to realize that before more years have gone by.

I don't know what is next for Freya and Donut and Gemma and me, but I'm so excited for it anyway.  The CEP course has been a game-changer in more ways than one for me.  Not only have I learned simple techniques to help my horses learn basic skills, but I have gained this amazing community of like-minded horsewomen.

Any of these women could serve as a role model for the younger generation of riders and owners, and I'm beyond thrilled that Gemma was welcomed into the class and had the opportunity to watch as the other students demonstrated what it means to be emotionally resilient.  In a world where it seems every issue is fodder for divisiveness and conflict and even the simplest of disagreements degenerates into hatred, it was a privilege to watch other women dealing with sometimes incredible adversity and overcoming it in a very healing way.

I also had the pleasure of interacting with one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered.  Felicity Davies is truly a joy to be around.  Her compassion and support is a big part of what makes CEP so special.  I also love how she understands what it is like to be confused and struggling to do the best thing for her horses when there is so much conflicting and poorly presented information available.  In my opinion, learning from a "master" horseman is overrated.  I have spent more time trying to decipher the language of masters than I care to remember.  The reality is that if you are learning something, you don't need someone who has an instinctual gift and who has been doing it for 50 years to teach you.  Instead, you need someone who knows the challenges you are facing, who can use language that you can understand, who can recognize the types of problems you are likely to have, and who can provide tangible ideas for solutions.  

And perhaps most importantly, you need someone who won't minimize how you feel.  After going through CEP, I have become more attuned to all the times that my feelings and thoughts and ideas are minimized by others.  It happens most often with professionals like trainers, vets, and farriers, but I think it can happen in any field and in any relationship.  Felicity never minimized what someone was feeling.  In fact, she encouraged her students to ask questions about why they were feeling a certain way and give value to that feeling.  She also gave us ways to respond to our feelings and even to anchor in to feeling good.

I don't think I can even list all the things that have happened because of CEP.  I can't remember all of them all at once!  But as a sample, here are "a few:"

1. I finally finished the equine nutrition course I signed up for about two years ago and never completed.  And not only did I finish the course, but I did the work to balance Freya's and Donut's diets.  The reason I finished the course is because during the first week of CEP, one of the things Felicity talks about is making sure your horse's diet is in order.  I totally knew that, but because it was an item on the checklist, I faithfully completed it.

2. I have an app on my phone to track all the things for all the horses.  I can keep track of when I do bodywork, when I make feed changes, when Gemma rides, horse shows, trimming feet, basically any activity that I do with horses.  Now I never have to wonder exactly when I last trimmed the horses' feet or when I last washed Donut's tail.  I can see it at a glance. 

3. I seriously love brushing Donut now.  What was once a chore is now an enjoyable experience for both of us.

4. Donut is now evolving into a better mental balance.  She still has baby moments, but her last airs above the ground were probably 6-8 weeks ago and even when she is in a more elevated mental state, she is much easier and safer to handle now.  I have a couple of tools to use to keep myself safe and that makes me able to handle her more confidently.

5. Donut's physical balance has improved.  Donut was a mess when I started CEP.  She couldn't stand in any sort of legitimate balance and her front feet were really toed out.  Like seriously not good.  I've watched as her toes have started to balance and her front legs no longer look like some kind of deformed duck.  That may have resolved on its own as she finished growing, but I suspect the postural work we've been doing has played a key role.

6.  I know that I can load Donut onto a trailer.  I still need to work with her a little more to get her self-loading and unloading and used to actually traveling, but I have the tools I need to do that, and I'm not worried about it anymore.

7. I know how to desensitize my horses to touch, approach, noise, and movement, both up-close and in the distance.  And I know how to do it on the ground and under saddle.

8. I am much more aware of how I hold a lead rope and how I use it.  I still have room for improvement, but that's OK, because I have the tools I need to improve.

9. I am much more aware of how my body language is viewed by horses.  Both Freya and Donut are incredibly sensitive to it now.  It wasn't that long ago that Donut was almost impossible to move out of my space.  In particular, when I would turn a horse out after her, she would crowd the gate.  Now, I can move her back with a sound and a little energy.

10. Donut holds her head down when I take off her halter when I turn her out.  She used to jerk her head up when I took the halter off, but now unhaltering is a gentle process that impressed my barn owner when she saw it.

11. Freya and I are exploring a new relationship, that is less clouded by emotional issues.

12. Gemma is learning the same skills I am, so she won't have to spend decades of her life searching for answers.  And with learning those skills comes an increase her safety.  The better she understands how to handle horses, the safer she will be.

13. I am recognizing that Woo-Woo Me is not a crackpot whose ideas should be viewed with skepticism.  I have good intuition and while I don't always understand what it is trying to tell me, my internal thoughts and feelings are valid, and it is OK for me to act on them, even if Rational Me isn't convinced.  In fact, I'm beginning to think these two parts of me need to communicate better and maybe even become one...

14. I can have a connection with Donut and Freya just like I did with Nimo.  I am seeing both of them through new eyes, and I love what I see.

But probably the most important thing I learned is that training a horse isn't so much about the horse as it is about me.  It is my knowledge and my confidence and my energy and my intuition that are the key factors.  Learning to trust myself and understanding that I can train my horses isn't something I can get from a book or a video or I would have gotten it already.  Instead it came from the coaching calls and the support from Felicity and the other students.  That support helped me though some challenges, but it also helped me link what I already knew with the new information I was learning in the class, so I could realize that I wasn't as clueless as I thought.  I just needed to make some connections and fill in some gaps.  And seeing other people going through similar experiences and having the same thoughts and questions and concerns was such a relief.  It felt so empowering to be a part of this group.

While I can't guarantee that anyone who goes through the CEP coaching program will have the same results I did, I will say that I have never seen another program like it (and I have signed up for a lot of training programs through the years).  I loved it so much that I'm looking forward to going through Felicity's Intuitive Equestrian Program.  This program will definitely make Woo-Woo Me happy, and I think it is about time that this part of me gets the same consideration that Rational Me gets.  I'm still thinking about congruence, and I suspect that having those two parts of me interact in a more balanced way is going to be a critical part of improving myself and my horsemanship skills.

In the meantime, I'm diving into reading The Tao of Equus by Linda Kohanov and practicing being congruent in my communication with other people and with my horses.  I'll let you know how it goes...:)

Freya was feeling playful on this day and she enjoyed running alongside Gemma

Donut is always happy to express herself:)


6 comments:

  1. I have loved following this journey of yours. I appreciate you being so open and vulnerable in sharing it. There's a lot to think about here. In my work with horses over the years I have heard over and over that emotion has no place in the saddle. I interpreted that to mean that I needed to shut it off. Or, rather- shove all these emotions into a small closet shut the door. Carmen taught me that I can't do that. I have learned that she's okay if I'm not okay. But she is not okay with me pretending it's all fine when it isn't. (hopefully that made sense).

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    1. Thanks, Teresa:) And I agree with you, I think horses are much more sensitive to people pretending to feel something when they aren't. I really had no idea how sensitive they are until I started doing some research on it, and then, of course, seeing it with my own eyes has been amazing.

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  2. Thank you for sharing all of this. It was fascinating. I had an amazing connection and relationship with my horse. After I lost him, there was not the space in my life to do horses to the extent that I enjoyed with my boy (i.e. three kids!). I was very fortunate to have some lease opportunities, but my life only granted me time with my horse friend once per week. I assumed that would not be enough to develop a deep connection or relationship with a horse, but surprise, I was wrong. I find myself experiencing some of the same wonderful moments with my horse friend. It did takes years to see that it is different, not less, and what a relief that it is possible. I think this is similar to your renewed experience with your lovely mares.

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Val. It's amazing how meaningful that connection with a horse can be. And how open horses are to experiencing it.

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  3. "But probably the most important thing I learned is that training a horse isn't so much about the horse as it is about me. It is my knowledge and my confidence and my energy and my intuition that are the key factors." - This has always been my favorite part of working with and training my own horses: how they hold up a mirror for me to look into. If there are issues with the training, a lot of times it's because I'm not presenting it in a way that they understand, or I'm carrying some baggage that is blocking them. Recently, all of my old buried PTSD from Lily resurfaced around Lu, and it has made working with him more challenging...the problem isn't him, it's me.

    I'd love to sign up for the CEP Level 1 program because I think it really will benefit my work with Lu, but it's not even listed on Felicity's site at this time as an option. :( Hopefully later this year she hosts another round!

    I have loved this series so much! Thank you for sharing your journey with your girls. <3

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    1. Perhaps it shouldn't have been as surprising as it was to me how much the stuff we carry with us can impact our work with our horses. I'm sure it isn't easy to feel the emotion about Lily, but I hope that in the long-run, you will be able to work through it. It is very freeing to let to of the things that haunt us...

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