A Pivotal Moment, part 1

I think we all have them at some points in our lives.  That moment where a romantic partner or friend or family member says or does something that can't be unsaid or undone and we know that the relationship will not be the same going forward.  Or that decision we make that can't be unmade that changes the course of our life.

Sometimes these moments are obvious, like a heated argument or signing a contract to buy a house or realizing that the pregnancy test is positive.  We know in the moment that things will be different moving forward.  But sometimes they are only apparent in hindsight.

As my mind skips through the memories of my life, I can see and feel those pivotal moments almost as clearly as when they happened.  They stick with me and occasionally pop into my mind to remind me of why I am where I am.

But last November I had no idea that I was making a choice that would forever change the way I viewed myself and my relationship with horses.  I was coming out of a 3-ish month long set of lessons with a classical dressage trainer.  I'd really enjoyed working with her via Zoom almost every week.  I'd signed up for the lessons with her because I was in the process of troubleshooting why Freya kept struggling with contact.  (I think I last really wrote about my progress in this post: https://astudentofthehorse.blogspot.com/2022/08/down-rabbit-hole.html)  I was also exploring The Balance Through Movement Method, which was still in its infancy in terms of sharing the techniques with the public.

But the reality was that despite months of work where I felt like I had made some progress with Freya, I was still fundamentally unhappy with something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  It still felt like we were doing a lot of forward and backward in our work.  And by the beginning of December, she was really not right physically again and she had a bit of a mental breakdown over what appeared to be nothing.  I'm not saying it actually was nothing, just that I couldn't see it.  And if I couldn't see what was causing Freya's concern, I couldn't try to fix it.

The other issue was Donut.  I had done next to nothing with her after the summer.  I think the 1:1 BTMM I did in August was the last significant thing I'd done with her.  And while the 1:1 gave me some information to think about, it also didn't get me where I thought I wanted to go.

And I was not really in a good place mentally.  I was physically and mentally exhausted from the horse show season with Gemma and from my desperate attempts to help Freya feel better.  I was miserable because I hadn't progressed with Donut, and I had this idea that I was supposed to be starting her under saddle at some point in the near future and neither of us were anywhere near ready.  I was missing Nimo more than ever, and I had come to the conclusion that I didn't know crap about horses, that I had no idea what I was doing, that none of the professionals I was working with could help me, and that I had no business owning horses or trying to train or rehab them.  But I had these two horses that were my responsibility and a daughter who was horse crazy and would never forgive me if I told her I was selling either horse.  So somehow I needed to find a way to keep going.

I remember feeling something similar with Nimo at one point.  There was a time when he was about 8 when I thought I was going to have to sell him.  The weekly lessons I was doing with a dressage instructor were brutal.  We weren't advancing even after years and years of work.  Nimo was unsafe to ride outside the arena, and I felt like I couldn't ride at all.  I hated going to the barn and I didn't want to ride or even think that I could ride unless I had constant direction from my instructor.  I couldn't see my way forward.  And it almost destroyed me because horses were my life.  Always.  What was I supposed to do if I didn't have a horse?

And then there was this moment in a lesson I was having where my instructor was telling me I needed to do another damn circle.  And I didn't want to do another damn circle.  We'd been doing endless circles and useless walk-trot transitions that never got any better.  And we couldn't even canter.  And I felt this overwhelming rage toward my instructor.  I remember turning Nimo toward him and raising my dressage whip as if I was going to attack him.  I stopped myself before I did anything, but it was an eye-opening moment for me, and I realized I had to make a change.

I subsequently fired my instructor (that is seriously one of the most empowering things I have ever done), moved to a new barn, and started taking responsibility for my own riding.  I got Jane Savoie's Happy Horse program and a little later started working with another instructor.  I didn't work with her that long before realizing she wasn't going to work out, and I moved Nimo to a new barn again and finally found the instructor that I still have today.

Nothing quite as dramatic happened last November.  I was just doing my usual constant search for classes I could take to gain insight into what was going on in Freya's body, but also longing for a class that could help me with Donut.  I felt like there were gaps in her training and the way we communicated and despite trying several methods, nothing felt right.

I first signed up for a body work class and started trying those techniques with Freya.  It wasn't an inexpensive class, and I resigned myself to doing more bodywork with Freya and continuing to let Donut sit.

Then I came across this lady name Felicity Davies and her Confident Equestrian Program.  I really liked what I was seeing, and she offered an online version plus a 12-week coaching program.  At the time, the coaching program wasn't scheduled until February, and I was being my typical self and in a hurry to Get Started.  Plus, I'd just spent a bunch of money on the bodywork class for Freya and Christmas was coming up, so financially it made sense to save money and do the online-only class.  And why would I need someone to coach me, anyway?  I had sort of had enough of people telling me what to do and then minimizing my feelings when I felt something wasn't going the way I wanted it to.

So I signed up and watched the first couple of videos.  And then the stress of the holidays kicked in and my motivation died.

By January, I was thinking there was a good possibility that CEP was going to be another expensive class laying in the trash bin with all the other expensive classes I had purchased over the years and never finished.  Then as January was drawing to a close, I saw a post from Felicity that said there was still room in her coaching class for CEP.  And a little voice in my head told me that maybe I should do that.  Maybe I did need a coach after all.  Just someone to help keep me accountable so I would actually finish the class.  So I sent an email asking if I could upgrade from the online class to the coaching class.  And Felicity was so nice when she said I could.  I immediately felt welcomed and like I was on the right path.  In fact, I felt so relieved that I actually started watching the online videos in advance of the coaching class getting started.

And that started my journey down a path I could never have anticipated...

The reason I keep trying...