A Pivotal Moment, part 4

There is no question that I am a huge procrastinator.  (I am currently procrastinating about doing laundry by writing this blog post - haha!)  I do some of my best, most inspired work when I am closing in on a deadline.  But working with horses at that level of intensity is not a great idea.  So I really do try not to inflict my tendencies on them.

But the trailer loading situation with Donut was getting ridiculous.  One of the reasons I'd joined the Confident Equestrian Program was to get some help on trailer loading.  Nimo had always loaded.  Even when I bought him as a yearling, he loaded in my friend's trailer within a minute or two because he was so naturally curious about what was inside the trailer, he couldn't help himself but go in.  And the two horses I'd had previous to Nimo were also great loaders.  So I never had to really learn much about trailer loading, except that a lot of people have horses that don't load well, and anytime I had to haul one of those horses, it was a time-consuming and frustrating experience for everyone.

I didn't want Donut to have bad experiences with the trailer, but after watching several trailer loading tutorials from internationally-recognized trainers, I was still feeling stuck about how to approach it with her.  So I never worked on it.

Even in the CEP class, I skipped watching the trailer loading video for a couple of weeks because I really didn't want to deal with it.  But finally, I nagged myself enough that I watched the video.  And of course, because the whole class is laid out in a very logical way, the trailer loading steps fit right in with what we'd already been working on.  There were also a lot of tips for horses that really struggled with loading to help break down the process more for them.  Everything made complete sense to me and didn't seem intimidating at all.

So one day, I hooked up the trailer and pulled it to the barn so I could work on loading with Donut.  I set my expectations pretty low because I wasn't sure how she would view the trailer.  Her last experience with it had been almost three years ago when I'd brought her from my friend's house.  So that was the day she lost her friends and had a stressful ride and then had to adapt to a new place.  I figured there would be some baggage associated with all that, so my goal for the first day was to get her comfortable just hanging around the trailer.  And she really had trouble picking up her feet to get in my step-up trailer, so I was worried about that too.

As it turned out, Donut did not have all the baggage that I thought she did.  She also acted a lot like Nimo - she was curious about the trailer and the fun-looking objects inside.  So it was probably less than 5 minutes before she had both front feet on the trailer.  I ended up doing a little bit of positive reinforcement too.  I had never felt comfortable using R+ in my horse training, but because of the work I'd already done for CEP, I knew how to use it more effectively.  I think it really helped keep the experience positive for Donut because she does LOVE food!  I did three repetitions of asking Donut to load her front feet and back off and then called it good for the day.  Because I've got a step-up trailer, it is doubly important that Donut feels comfortable backing off the trailer, and I wanted to make sure she was learning that part of the process.  The best thing about how Donut did was that there was a pallet of bricks with plastic blowing in the wind behind her, and as luck would have it, the gravel driveway was being dragged while Donut was getting on the trailer.  I thought for sure she would be spooky, but she wasn't.  The desensitization work we'd been doing was making a difference!

Donut must touch all the things with her nose:)

Donut enjoys a snack after getting two feet on the trailer

The next day I brought the trailer to the barn for another session.  This time, Donut basically loaded herself.  We did a couple of repetitions of getting her front feet on and backing off and then she bravely got all the way on the trailer because she really was desperate to check out what was in the trailer.  I had a feed pan of alfalfa and carrots for her when she got on and she was quite happy to explore a bit and then eat for a few minutes.  And then I backed her off with no trouble.  The whole process was probably less than 10 minutes.

It was hard to get Donut's whole body in the picture, but I wanted proof that all four feet were on the trailer!:)

We also worked on trailer loading with Freya.  The me from a few years ago would have been happy with the way Freya loaded.  She typically hops right on the trailer.  But she seemed to also have some mild anxiety.  I've played around with different variables for hauling her over the past year or so and I've discovered that while having a buddy does help a little, her anxiety seems to come most from getting on the trailer to go somewhere.  When she gets on to go home, the anxiety seems to be significantly reduced.  So I decided that we would have her do the same things Donut does to see if revisiting the basics in a low-key way with no pressure to go anywhere for a show or any activity would help her feel better.  

I also wanted to see if I could slow her down when she loads.  Much like other tasks, when you ask her to get on the trailer, she immediately complies and does it quickly.  There have been times when I've needed to pause loading or unloading because of something going on and having a horse that can stop mid-process is super helpful and increases the safety of an activity that really does have the potential to go horribly wrong.

Plus, Gemma needs to learn how to handle Freya on the trailer and keep herself safe.  I trusted Freya to remember there was a person on the other end of the lead rope and not do anything too crazy, although the mom in me struggles sometimes when Gemma does horse things because I know all too well how quickly things can get dangerous.  But the best way for Gemma to stay safe is for her to get the experience doing things correctly.  So I turned Gemma and Freya loose on trailer loading.

The first sessions were just to get Gemma and Freya working together and to see if Freya could pause before she steps on the trailer.  After the second session, she was able to do that, and her anxiety level felt a bit lower as she stood on the trailer, but we definitely had more work to do.  (I'll write more about how that is going in a later post.)

We also worked on reminding Donut about the wash stall.  You may remember that water (or even a damp rag) has been difficult for Donut to handle.  I have worked with her enough that she was able to get hosed off in the outdoor wash stall and have parts of her hosed off in the indoor wash stall.  But I can tell that she still isn't super comfortable with the process, so we basically started from scratch again.  I stood at Donut's head and asked Gemma to handle the hose or sponge using the approach and retreat technique.  After several sessions, Gemma could rinse, wash, and rinse the bottom of Donut's tail and we could hose off her legs as long as we didn't take too long:)  Bathing is definitely going to be a longer-term commitment to get right.

Gemma wanted to do the same work with Freya, so we used the same process to reintroduce Freya to the outdoor wash stall.  She was much more comfortable with it, but Gemma is known for her marathon bath sessions, and I could tell Freya was possibly losing patience with all the bathing.  And it finally occurred to me that I could hang a hay bag in the wash stall area for her to munch on.  The impact was HUGE!  Freya was so much happier and Gemma could take her time.  I just helped shape out where we wanted Freya to stand, so she didn't learn to wander around.  I also really liked that Freya could be tied to one pole instead of cross-tied.  After seeing a post on Facebook about what it means to have slack in a lead rope, I realized that when we cross-tie, there is always pressure on both sides of the halter.  There is no way for the horse to get true relief.  Whereas with a single rope, it can be tied so that the horse can get complete slack.

I love seeing Freya content!

In terms of my mental state, I had an experience with an equine professional that really upset me.  I'm going to leave the details out because the details are less important than my response.  Even in hindsight, I think I was justifiably upset.  However, the big problem was that I was so upset that I literally could hardly sleep the night after it happened.  I was exhausted and I was bursting into tears constantly, and I couldn't seem to move past the overwhelming feelings that the situation brought out in me.  When I posted about it in the group message area, Felicity reached out and gave me an option to try to see if it helped me feel better.  Basically she let me vent via voice notes without worrying about what words I was using.  I didn't need to be understanding of the other person's point of view.  I didn't need to be diplomatic or nice.  I could just let out all the stuff that was bothering me.

Initially, I was skeptical that it would really help.  I'd already been in my head so much about it, and I had even talked to/messaged a couple of friends about it.  But the voice notes really did work.  Felicity took the time to respond and validate how I was feeling and almost immediately I started to feel better.  Within a few days, I could talk about what happened with no problem and now that I'm a few weeks out, the whole thing seems like no big deal.  The best thing about the situation is that I now feel like I have a new coping strategy in case something similar happens in the future.

Another big thing that happened this month is that I got myself a new set of brushes.  (I will probably do some kind of product review post on them because I love them so much!)  These brushes literally changed the way I think about brushing my horse.  I used to view it as a necessary chore, but I didn't typically enjoy it or, as it turns out, even know how to do it very well.  But I came to love grooming Donut and she loved it too.  One day, she had eaten her fill and actually stopped eating for awhile (this horse is literally always eating or sleeping or into something).  I took the opportunity to hang out with her in her stall and really get into the grooming.  And then I got the idea to use the Bladder Meridian Technique with her.  She's never let me do it in the past, but this time she did.  I was able to go through both sides of her body and she was so good.  She stayed with me and actually stayed quiet and still for at least half an hour after I finished.  I have never seen her do that.  The barn was busy with activity - horses were going in and out.  People were walking around.  And for the first time, she didn't need to try to be in the middle of it and constantly looking to see what was happening.  She looked like she was processing and actually feeling her body.  

It was so good to see her this way.  It isn't that I want her to constantly check out or keep to herself, but I think it is important for her to be comfortable in her own body without always needing input from other horses or people to stay stable.  I know a lot of people who aren't comfortable in their own skin.  They struggle anytime they are alone and they have trouble functioning outside of a group.  And while I do understand that humans and horses are meant to be social, I also think that we and they need to be able to function comfortably alone too.  Even in the wild, horses are by themselves and even choose it.  (Recently one of the mares at the Theodore Roosevelt National Park went missing from the herd.  Park volunteers feared the worst when they couldn't find her, but after several days, she was located safe and sound with a healthy baby.)

I'm probably veering off into Kerry Thomas' Herd Dynamics territory, which is worthy of a separate post, but the reality is that horses in a human world need to have certain skills in order to function well and be mentally stable.  I don't want Donut and Freya to be anxious if they can't always be in their herd.  Their lives require them to be in stalls for a few hours most days.  They need to be able to go to an arena by themselves and perform some tasks.  They don't need to be Olympic athletes or ride 100 miles in the wilderness alone, but they need to be able to feel comfortable with themselves (or with one other human) for short periods of time.

I'm probably not articulating this very well, because it's still something I am learning and thinking about.  But it's important to me that my horses can be balanced mentally, which means being able to handle alone time without being stressed.  Because Donut has struggled with her alone time in the past, I was thrilled to see her able to change gears for a little while.

And going through that process with her set me on a path of achieving greater mental balance for myself.  I didn't quite understand what was happening at the time, but hindsight is giving me some insights.  One of the biggest things I miss about being with Nimo is the quietness of his mind and his ability to let me in, so to speak.  I could usually tell what he was thinking (or at least I thought I did).  And while he did have the occasional moment of extreme alertness or even worry about something, by the time his life was nearing its end, he spent a lot of time in a very quiet state.  Not shut down, but aware and listening and present.  And I think that is why I found being with him so easy.  In a world where people don't tell the truth and everyone is overwhelmed and stressed and busy and I was overwhelmed and stressed and busy, I could find refuge from all the noise with him.  And when I rode him, he insisted on absolute mental focus from me and had spent years training me to be present when I rode.

But that level of connection and focus is not something I have with either Donut or Freya (although the nerve release work with Freya is in the ballpark).  And I have been grieving Nimo's loss not only because he isn't here anymore, but because I lost that connection, and I didn't think that I would ever have it again.  I thought it was unique to Nimo and me.  But as I worked my way through the exercises in CEP, I got an inkling that maybe I could have that connection again.

As the third anniversary of Nimo's death approached, I was a mess.  I felt this extreme grief leaking out of me all the time.  I couldn't control it, and sometimes it felt just as fresh as the day he died.  I was irritated with everyone and downright pissed off about a few horse-related things.  And it occurred to me one day as I drove to the barn sobbing almost uncontrollably that I might need professional help to overcome the grief.  I spent some time trying to figure out what kind of professional I might need, but I didn't really reach any conclusions.  Plus the idea of being that vulnerable with someone I didn't know seemed like too much.

Meanwhile I had become convinced that Freya might also be having some emotional issues.  As I reflected back on our time with her, I began to wonder if her physical issues could be rooted in an emotional issue.  She struggled with anxiety in certain situations and while she was functional, it didn't feel right to me.  After bringing it up in the CEP group, Felicity mentioned that a Connection Reading might be one way to explore my concerns.  

I had heard about the Connection Readings before - a few other CEP students had done them and reported positive changes afterward.  But even though I was curious, I had been hesitant to ask about doing one for me.  And do you know why?  Because I was terrified that the only thing that would happen is that I would cry through the whole thing.  I was struggling with managing my emotions so much with respect to Nimo's death that I figured any attempt at something more spiritual in nature would send me over an emotional ledge that I couldn't return from.  And I just couldn't bear it.

But when the emotions on the line were Freya's, I could find the strength to do it.  So I booked a reading for the day after our last CEP coaching call.  And I could never have predicted what happened...